Dear toaster, this is why you’ll continue to remain in the friend zone

 
by Doyin Jaiyesimi
Hey there! I appreciate the fact that you consider me to be worthy of
your toasting. Really I do. We’ve been on this for over six months now.
I don’t know whether the fact that your moves haven’t brought much
progress bothers you at all. I’m bothered for you because you keep doing
all the wrong things. I’m sure you thought I was just fronting. No sir.
In fact, let me just tell you now. As long as you continue to do the
things I am about to list, you will remain in the friend zone. Forever.

1. Leaving 20 missed calls on my phone at 6am. Honestly, I am confused.
   Is it that you don’t sleep or you don’t have work to go to? It’s not
   normal behaviour oh. Even if you saw me in your dreams, if you called
   the first two times and I didn’t pick then simply leave a message. I’ll
   definitely call back when I see it.
2. Leaving 20 missed calls at any point in the day. I was trying to be
   nice but it’s not going to help you. So here it is – leaving 20 missed
   calls on my phone is not ok at any time during the day. It makes me feel
   like you are jobless. Even if the love is doing you one kind on the
   inside, try and calm down small ehn?
3. Showing up in my office unannounced. I can never forget the day the
   receptionist came to tell me that Tunde was looking for me. Which Tunde?
   I’m sure you saw the shock on my face when I saw it was you. Don’t
   think it’s because I was touched. No. I couldn’t believe you were
   turning out to be a stalker. We had only talked twice on the phone and
   you decided to Google the name of my office and show up at my reception.
   Who does that?
4. Asking jamb questions when you call. I know you care and all but it
   really annoys me when you start asking me if I’ve eaten, what I ate and
   how many hours ago I ate the food. You remember that afternoon you
   called and you asked me what I ate for lunch. You also asked what I ate
   for breakfast and what I will eat for dinner. Hian. Since you clearly
   did not have anything to say that day, you shouldn’t have called.
5. Using a different number to call me and not saying anything. You do
   know that there is an app called trucaller right? So every time you call
   me with a different number feeling like a bad guy, I know it is you.
   Please stop.

I really hope that after you read this, I will see some improvement
in your tactics. If not, I’m afraid even that friend zone… you will be
demoted from that position.